January 6, 2021

“You were put on this earth to achieve your greatest self, to live out your purpose, and to do it courageously.”

For as long as I can remember I always wanted to teach. I come from a long line of great teachers. Many of my family, that have passed… and many that are still on this earth are teachers. I remember the endless nights in college when I would have to stay up half the night studying, composing a paper on educational philosophy or construct hundreds and hundreds of file folder games to take with me to my job interviews (non of which were looked at). Many thanks to my family for cutting out, coloring, gluing and staying up with me. That’s love and devotion…thank you to each of you. I worked through college so my study time was normally at night which turned into some very late nights…..tears…..exhaustion…..then encouragement from my beloved parents and the knowledge that I was going to get to be a TEACHER when this was all over. But I made it….we made it. Graduation day came in May of 1996 and I was officially a teacher. Or at least on paper…..I had the diploma. This does NOT make a teacher. My career of teaching began that fall as I was teaching those kiddos….they were in actuality teaching me just as much. I worked each day with children that learned differently than others. I had to think outside the box to help them learn the curriculum. There were some days that went fairly smooth like butter and then others that made you feel like you battled all day to get across a mine field without detonating anything. Teaching is embedded in my heart and soul. I am quite certain my blood runs ABC’s and 123’s. So, when MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS forced my hand to retire from my dream…I was gutted. I remember the months of after my diagnosis….flare after flare and treatment after treatment in hopes that I could get strong enough to go back to my classroom and surround myself with all of those blessed children. That of course did not happen. I remember the letter that I wrote to my administrator, school board, etc ……I remember the night I read it before all of them at a meeting. My parents had driven me there as I couldn’t drive yet and my husband was gone away at work. As I stood in front of them….with the help of my parents….my hands began to shake…but I began reading what I had prepared. My voice was trembling, but I knew that I had to do this..not out of respect for just my school board members and administrations, but for all of my colleagues and kiddos that had helped/allowed me to teach…then also out of respect for my own self. I still have this letter and I reread it just now. ” This has been my dream job. I came to work every day praying that the lessons or skills that were planned for the day were the ones that the students could best learn from…but left most each day with having learned something great from one of them instead. I have worn the school colors with great pride and dignity and am quite certain I could wear a FV t-shirt for a month straight and not run out.” Then it concluded with “having said all of that…it is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I am officially retiring.” Great sadness and heavy heart doesn’t even describe what I went through the following weeks and months. I was so overwhelmed with grief and sadness that I didn’t feel I could even breath. Not only was I dealing with not teaching anymore…I was dealing with not being able to parent my kiddos as good as I thought I needed to….be a good wife like I wanted to….and even being a good friend and daughter. I had some fairly dark times during the following days. I also had to figure out what this disease was, how to treat it, what worked for me and what didn’t and how to tackle the changes in my life that it brought. I spent the next few months trying and failing with various disease modifying drugs…..mostly shots. Shots in the muscle once a week, then shots every other day under the skin. Shots that I had to give myself and I am quite certain that they contained battery acid. The medications burned pretty bad going in and then left a beautiful bruise at the sight. Those bruises I tried to hide from my husband and kiddos, because they looked hideous and like someone had beaten the tar out of me. I remember early on staring at myself in the bathroom. I didn’t know that person. My upper thighs and tummy were covered with splotches in various shades of blue and green. Most of my days were spent in bed. My sweet parents had recently moved into town from the country and lived a few streets over…..thank the Lord for that. At the time my husband was working on the road to afford the much needed insurance I so desperately needed. I thank God for him every single day. My parents came every day and took the kids to school and then picked them up and brought them home. Every day after my momma got off work she would come by the house and see what laundry, housework, food and whatever else needed to be done. Thank you to my momma and daddy for their unwavering love and devotion to their family. Most days I would get kids handed off to my daddy, close the door, turn off the lights and go to bed. I would stay there wallowing in my own self pity and doubt until it was time for the kids to be home and my parents to be there. This pattern continued for quite a while. Then a few months went by without a flare and I thought….let’s get out of your funk Stephanie. So I was slowly able to take back some of the household chores as well as doing a few things at school. Meaning attending kiddos games and activities. It was during this time that I reconnected with my now dear friend…Stephanie. Yes….she has the same first name as myself. Our daughters are the same age and were in school together and are friends. She and I developed a pretty tight bond that I am certain will last a lifetime. She is a friend that has been there through the good, bad and ugly and still loves me. She is full of love and encouragement. She and her family have become our family. We love them all endlessly. She has sit with me in a hospital room while undergoing treatment, brought me lunch, treats and taken me to the store and any other place I needed to go. Her love is unconditional and treasured. She has even supported this disease in more ways than one….privately and publicly. I love you Stephanie and family. My kids stepped up……boy did they step up. They did so many things to help me and I am quite certain there are many things that I don’t know about and may never. God surely blessed us with these two. My hubby continues to amaze me with all his love and support. He works on the road mostly and works hard. He doesn’t like being gone all the time and is sad because he misses alot. But he provides a beautiful life for us. I am so blessed with him as well. I can’t tell you how happy I am that he has been able to be home with me this past year. I am thankful for all he does. So…to wrap up what my original thought was…teaching. I realize that I am no longer a traditional teacher that goes into a classroom with little kiddos and stand before them to help them learn a new skill or lesson. But, I am a woman with a disease that I can teach others out there about. In creating this blog I feel like on some level…I am still teaching. I also get to learn more about this disease everyday and pass that knowledge along to family, friends and all of those out there reading this. So…in a sense….I AM STILL TEACHING…..it’s just modified in a way that fits my life currently. Don’t give up on your dreams. Always strive to be the best version of yourself…..even if it has to be adjusted from our original goals and dreams.