December 31, 2020

How do you say goodbye to a year like 2020. Well…..quite easily. Or so I thought. It has been a very rough year…not for just myself, but for my family…plus my dear friends, the United States and the entire world. But, there have indeed been some really amazing things that have come out of 2020. Our daughter graduated from college with a degree in cosmetology. Then Covid hit and jobs were at a standstill. So, she moved home with her sweetheart and lived in our basement. I loved it, because not only were they home, but my granddog, Cinch, came with the move. He is an absolute sweet little Man. Not to mention he and Tucker will spend hours running and playing. He tries to play with Wilson, but he is a senior dog and most of his blessed days are spent looking for his next treat and sleeping. He also “tries” to play with Lettie (our little female), however, the moment Cinch walks through Nan and Pop Pop’s door she puts herself in timeout and avoids him like the plague. Next came our son, my first born….spreading his wings. He decided to move to Florida in hopes to find more of life outside of our little town. However, moving in the midst of a global pandemic has serious negatives. Then right after his move our daughter and her sweetheart moved into their own place to start their lives together. I am so thankful it was just across town. With the pandemic going on starting her new career (dream job since she was about 4 years old) proved to be beyond difficult and virtually not going to happen. Especially since many people aren’t even leaving their houses or have the money to visit a salon. So many people have either lost their jobs or have been furloughed. So many people across the land have had to turn to unemployment benefits just to keep their heads above water. So many people are losing everything. This year has just been so disheartening to watch. So…..in true fashion, my kick-ass daughter picked herself up by her bootstraps….put her “big girl panties” on and went out and found another job. This job was supposed to be part time. Funny how God works, because this job has now turned into a full time job and she is actually running the boutique on her own. She loves this job and is proud of the job she is doing. So are her daddy and I. I mean what little girl doesn’t dream of getting to play dress up every day? Next came the silence in the house. It was deafening. However, I filled my days with that wonderful little trial of Mavenclad….aka chemo pill. I read all the articles that I could on the process and my doctor was so helpful and knowledgeable as well. So, preparations began for the trial to start. I knew what that basic game plan was and tried to act tough and prepare everyone around me for what was going to take place. Or in hindsight…..what I imagined would take place. First of all…we have a GLOBAL PANDEMIC going on. So, that meant waiting and waiting and waiting until my doctor and his team could figure out how to safely navigate this trial while all the craziness in the world was going on. This is when I met my dear clinical coordinator for this trial. KUDDOS to my doctor for hiring this little lady. I am quite certain there are so many stars in her crown for everything she has done for me and countless others. She organizes everything and then keeps all of us organized and on top of the task at hand. God knew what he was doing there….SHE IS AWESOME. I had to first have a TON of blood drawn for endless labs. Then came the lumbar puncture…..sounds easy enough…right??? How diluted was I??? For science and helping myself, others and future MS warriors….right? The sweetest and littlest doctor I had ever met was tasked with this job. I have had one of these many years ago when I was in the throes of trying to determine what was going on with my health (another story I will probably share in the future). I remember being scared….I mean there is this SHARP needle going near your spinal chord to the fluid around that sacred place. I remember it was very uncomfortable….. and did I mention SCARY? Well, in the room was myself, the doctor and the clinical coordinator. My husband was left in the exam room to wonder what they were doing with me in the procedure room. As I was positioned into the chair and my back exposed I remember feeling so very vulnerable. It must have been written all over my face as my clinical coordinator kept checking on me as the betadine wash was being put all over my lower back. The doctor then began with the lidocaine for numbing. Then came the pressure of the barbed needle…or that is what I remember she said it was. She pushed and analyzed…pushed some more and analyzed some more…..then pain. The kind of pain that peels back your eyelids. Or maybe it was a little pain and fear. The kind of fear that takes your breath and makes you pray and pray hard for this to end soon. All of this was going through my mind and I was not to move even slightly…..for fear of being paralyzed. So then she removed that needle and tried a different needle. I believe I distinctly remember her saying this was a smooth needle. This one worked better and the procedure was working as it should and the spinal fluid was filling the little vials. As soon as the procedure was done and I was dressed they brought my husband into the room to comfort me and sit with me for the hour that I had to lay down before heading home. We visited a little while and I tried not to cry because I wanted to stay strong. But in reality I wanted to burst into tears and fall into his arms. Next came the doctor and coordinator back into the room with a large paper gift bag…haha. Inside that bag was two very large presents (boxes) that held my chemo pills. They then proceeded to tell me the procedures to follow to take these little pills. They were gloved up, my husband was instructed to not touch and as soon as I take them I am to wash my hands thoroughly. BUT this stuff that we can’t really touch needs to go into my body? I mean…..it’s a pill. How bad can it be? Well I soon found out….first was loss of appetite, then came nausea, followed by dreaded diarrhea (sorry for that image). I had a few weeks of this just to begin the next week of pills the following month. The next month went the same as the first. Of course anything that went into my body left as quickly as it came. EVERYTHING tasted like metal. I avoided food or anything that remotely resembled food. Water….water….water. But it still tasted like metal. My hubby and I made several trips to the doctor for checkups and bloodwork. The doctor’s visits were made under the most stringent of care and safety. We were masked up, escorted in the side door and tended to without seeing a single sole for the most part. Plus, I had developed huge black circles under my eyes from my malnutritioned state that I hoped no one saw me. But in looking back….honestly what does that matter? It is part of this journey. The next few weeks came and went with alot of sleeping, naps and sleeping. I also spent time wondering if I was going to make it. I was advised to stay home because of my dying immune system and Covid. So I have felt very lonely and down many days. I did look forward to my phone calls from our daughter and son. I am thankful for these calls. My parents constantly checked on me as well as my dear friends and family members. They all get praise for lightening up some of these dark days. Next came a phone call from my son telling me he was moving home. I was elated and was so thrilled. I worried about his long drive and I knew he wanted more from his move to Florida….but moving in a pandemic doesn’t bode well. So, he is now living in our basement. He came home and stayed isolated down there for days until he knew it was safe to be around me. We had a wedding…..in the family that is. In November my beautiful niece got married to her prince. Not a frog, but a prince of a guy. He is her perfect fit. He is a blessed addition to the family. But we missed it. I have never missed anything for her. I cried, cursed, cried and then found my “big girl panties” and remembered that this sacrifice will allow me to be around for all the other memories that the future will hold. Our nephew, her brother, got engaged as well. That wedding is in this coming year. So Covid and chemo…..cut me a break. But, if we can’t attend this event I will survive. Although I am sure to carry on like I won’t. As discussed in my previous post the holidays this year have been tough. I haven’t had our house filled with laughter and conversations as we always have from all of our loved ones. My dear parents have to be careful as well. They are of the age that is more susceptible to catch Covid as well as my daddy has had several surgeries this year and has had to fight his way back to his own health. My superhero momma gets the privilege of working from home…..and I must say that she is still kicking ass and taking names. She blows me away. I can’t remember the last time I was able to sit down in their house and have a long conversation about anything…everything….and nothing at all. But I will keep my head up the best I can and remember that if we are safe now then we will have many more times to get together in the future….God willing. As the hours of this year are on their final countdown I must remember all the things in my life to be thankful for…..all the many loved ones in my life that are still here…..all the loved ones that aren’t here in person, but are never forgotten, because they have helped mold and enrich my life in millions of ways, my ENTIRE medical team……what a blessing you are in my life, my family for their constant live, devotion, support and occasional kick in the ass they have provided me with this year and every year, to my loving children…thank you so much, for blessing me every day, to those four-legged children who are constantly by my side….thank you, then finally…to my hubby….God has truly blessed me with you. Thank you for loving me, holding my hand and supporting me on this journey. I truly feel like as rough as this year has been for me I also am beyond blessed for all that I have in my life. I hope you all have a very safe evening and HAPPY NEW YEAR. Bring on 2021!!!