July 30, 2021

WELL……..I am still waiting on my darn lymphocyte level to come up. I have had a few tests to check on their status and to no avail….they are still not coming up to the “magic number”. It started out that I was being tested weekly…no progress…now it has been monthly and I feel like I am losing an uphill battle. I know that patience is key and trusting in the process is as well, but sometimes worry and doubt creeeeeeeeeeeep in and steal your positive vibes. I worry that if my count doesn’t come up then I will be kicked out of this trial. Then I worry that if I am kicked out of the trial what are my other viable options. I read of new treatments and don’t know that I am a candidate for most of them, any of them or even one. DOUBT – the feeling of uncertainty, to be in fear or afraid of. I think many of us out here in this crazy world have feelings of doubt over one thing or another. It is hard not to. I myself, have a support team…..most of which I don’t like to bother, or seem ungrateful, or just be whiny all the time. I thank God I have them and know that I can reach out to them when this body and mind can’t process what it needs to. Most days I pride myself in being positive and looking for the good in every situation…..as of late I find myself pretty darn disappointed in this ragbag of a body that I have. I just want it to work with me and help me out. I know that being negative and emotional will get me nowhere….but some times even the brightest star has a cloud that covers up its beauty and light. I need to always remember that there are so many worse things going on out in the world right now……that I just need to focus on the positive and stay the course. On a good and positive note we (my family) have reached the point in the summer where we try to kayak as much as possible. I so enjoy these little jaunts down the beautiful rivers that are in our neck of the woods. We can social distance and still enjoy family time as well as all the natural beauty that God has blessed us with. It allows you to breath in all of nature, soak up the radiant sun and watch your family while cataloging priceless memories of your children that are now grown…..but you remember them starting kindergarten yesterday. I am still ordering groceries online and picking them up. I am not sure what it will feel like to have this little freedom back…however, I don’t miss the lines, etc. I am not really a shopper…I guess that I have never been. I am pretty content with ordering online and the peace of mind that I am trying my best not to get sick with COVID and all of it’s 10,000,000,000 variants. Another month is coming to an end in 2021….the year is half over. I hope that this finds all of you healthy and happy. Take care of yourselves, find a little time to carve out for yourselves, if you need someone to talk to or help you carry your load….don’t be afraid to ask.